January 22, 2018 · My heart hurts so much I can barely breathe. I find myself gasping under the crushing weight of my loss...the loss of my favorite eldest son, my Duncan. Blame swirls, sad eyes look on, the love and support of so many surround me, and I just ache. I found a recording of his voice this morning, and almost can't listen to it enough. I never thought I'd be glad to find a smelly shirt of his, but to be able to breathe in his scent helps me to remember him...and close the distance between us...just a fraction. I gather just enough strength to pull myself from this dark mire for the other loves of my life; the ones on this side of the veil. They are walking their own painful path, with me as their awkward companion on this nightmare journey. I am there, when the unexpected laughter breaks through the misery and disbelief. I am there, standing in the sunshine, even when it means I must set aside my grieving to be present in that fleeting moment. Today I breathe.